Why I went on Virgin Island: Show's oldest contestant, 30...

By JO TWEEDY

The oldest contestant on controversial Channel 4 reality show Virgin Island says he has 'no regrets' about taking part - but admits that he knows many people in his life will now probably 'never look at me the same way again.'

Ben Harris, who has turned 31 since filming and has a spreadsheet documenting his dating life, is one of the 12 virgins taking part in the six-part series, which is filmed on a Croatian island and has sparked a myriad of reactions since the first episode aired on Monday night.

The episodes, the next of which is on Monday 19th May, sees contestants exploring their sexuality - and the mental barriers that have stopped them having full intercourse - with help from San Francisco-based sexologists Dr Danielle Harel and Celeste Hirschman.

The show aims to help the contestants eventually lose their virginity - on camera - with the help of coaching and 'sex surrogates', practitioners who are prepared to have intercourse with those in treatment to help them solve problems that can't be fixed via talking therapy.

This week, civil servant Ben, from Ramsgate in Kent, shared on Substack the heartbreaking reasons why he thinks he's still a virgin, and revealed that the first person he told about appearing on the show was his mum - despite never discussing his anxiety-riddled sex life with her before.

Aston Villa fan Ben, who has dated more than 40 women, and has even had two proper girlfriends, also revealed that - spoiler alert - he's still very much a virgin now, despite the best efforts of the show's sex coaches.

Revealing his mother's reaction at the news that her son might lose his virginity in front of an audience of millions of viewers, he said: 'This came as quite of a shock to her, and she openly admitted that she never thought someone like me would sign up for such an experience.'

Ben, who describes himself as 'an average-looking, relatively normal guy', adds that she was 'nonetheless supportive' and says he only shared his appearance on the show with a select few others before jetting off to the Adriatic.

Civil servant Ben Harris this week penned a Substack post revealing why he decided to appear on Channel 4 reality show Virgin Island (Pictured right, with ex MP Michael Fabricant)

The first episode of the controversial six-parter show aired on Monday, with viewers watching the 12 virgins taking part trying intimacy exercises (Pictured: Ben taking part in an exercise with sexologist Celeste Hirschman)

On Substack, Ben, who is now 31 but was 30 at the time of filming, revealed that his friend sent him the casting link for the show - and while he initially said 'no chance', he decided to apply

Describing in the lengthy post how he's avoided sex in the past because of deep anxiety and only had his 'first proper snog' two years ago, he said that while he came close to full intercourse with his most recent girlfriend back in 2023, he stalled at the last minute.

He said: 'My many years of inexperience had built up to such a level that I flat-out turned down the opportunity to have sex with her on multiple occasions out of fear.'

Admitting he has no idea what exactly he's scared of, the civil servant does have theories about the reasons behind why he hasn't yet achieved a fulfilling sexual relationship with a woman, suggesting childhood bullying left him shutting off from dating because 'I simply never saw myself as capable of being desired in a romantic sense.'

Ben describes himself on X as as an 'Aston Villa fan and Garlic hater', and says he's also a 'Baseball (Orioles) enthusiast. Phantom Menace enjoyer.'

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He said he was targeted first for his small stature, and then, when he caught up in height with other boys at secondary school, it was his 'naturally pale skin that bore the brunt of the attacks.'

The 31-year-old wrote: 'The vast majority of the bullying I suffered was at the hands of other boys, but it nonetheless instilled within me this belief that despite my decent intellect, I was physically repulsive to women especially, and that no sane girl could possibly find me attractive.'

While at college and university, he said he viewed relationships as something for 'other people', saying: 'It left me feeling somewhat sad and isolated, like an alien or an artificial human who just couldn’t quite grasp the intricacies of love.'

How did he hear about the show? Ben says a friend sent him the link to the Channel 4 casting call to which he promptly replied 'no chance', before secretly going through the process of applying, because he recognised he needed to do something 'drastic' about his inability to get over his mental block.

Admitting he was scared of sharing his intimacy issues in such a public arena, which he hadn't discussed with most of his family and friends, Ben says he decided going on the show was 'worth the risk'.

At the very least, he surmisde, he'd 'experience some therapy I wouldn’t otherwise have access to and at least get a free break to a beautiful Mediterranean [sic] island out of it.'

The football fan says he has a 'deep fear' of having sex, and says he believes it's rooted in bullying at primary and secondary school about his physical appearance

In the frank post, Ben said he only had his first proper 'snog' two years ago, and while he's had opportunities to have sex with an ex partner, he hasn't been able to

The first person the civil servant told about appearing on the show was his mother, who, he says was shocked but 'supportive'

Motivated by the fact that his own experiences might help other adult virgins, he said he has no regrets.

'If this show helps to clear even a fraction of the stigma associated with being an adult virgin, it’ll have all been worth it. Even if it doesn’t, I know I got a lot out of it, and I don’t regret taking part at all.'

On the show, two sex surrogate partners work alongside the therapists to help the virgins, taking more of a physical approach than the therapists, which has sparked controversy.

Earlier this week, in an exclusive chat with MailOnline, the show's sex therapists Danielle and Celeste defended the use of the programme's 'sex surrogates'.

Celeste describes the relationship between the client and surrogate as 'authentic' and shared how the dynamic can reflect what would happen in a 'real relationships', including the possibility of 'performance problems' from either the surrogate or client.

'It is really an authentic relationship,' she explained. 'So one thing that can happen in a relationship is that someone has performance problems, and so they would just communicate about it and say, oh, you know, something's not working here. Let's take a break. Let's try again.'

Airing over three weeks, the show sees some of the contestants exploring their sexuality with a 'sex surrogate', which has sparked controversy amongst some viewers
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Airing over three weeks, the show sees some of the contestants exploring their sexuality with a 'sex surrogate', which has sparked controversy amongst some viewers

Sexologists Dr Danielle Harel and Celeste Hirschman (both pictured) have defended the series, as they branded sex on other TV shows 'harmful and unrealistic'

Dr Danielle Harel is a co-founder of the Somatica Institute, which specialises in sex and relationship coach training
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Sexologist Celeste Hirschman has defended the use of surrogates, saying 'That authenticity is what actually prepares people to have real relationships out in the world'
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The US based sex therapists are co-founders of the Somatica Institute, which specialises in sex and relationship coach training

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The sexologist added: 'That authenticity is what actually prepares people to have real relationships out in the world.

'So it's not just like trying to force something and a lot of times surrogates do work with people who have pretty significant dysfunctions, and so they need to work with those kinds of things, both in their clients and if it comes up in themselves as well.'

There's a 'triadic relationship' between the client, surrogate and a separate therapist to help tackle issues, including if the client develops feelings.

Celeste explained: 'They have the therapist built into the relationship, because if feelings become developed, the therapist is available to talk the client through whatever feelings that they have around it.'

She added: 'The therapist is there to keep that the container and the boundaries.'

Danielle expressed that on the show, the boundaries in the relationship were clear between the contributors and surrogates.

'They felt like, 'Okay, this is a therapeutic modality that's going to help me grow', and that's how it was set up for them,' the expert shared.

'So I don't feel there was even one moment that people got confused around.'

VIRGIN ISLAND: MEET THE CAST!

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NAME: EMMA

AGE: 23

OCCUPATION: FOOD WORKER

Emma said: 'I was the only virgin amongst my friendship group, I felt outnumbered.

'I believed I was the only human experiencing adult life without intimacy but I couldn't relax when there is the possibility of intimacy and I had to battle previous traumas.

'The fact that this concept was being brought to TV made me realise being over 21 and never having sex was not as rare as I thought it was.'

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NAME: BEN

AGED: 30

OCCUPATION: CIVIL SERVANT

Ben said: 'A friend sent me the casting call for Virgin Island on social media. I'm not sure if he knew I was a virgin, but he knew I'd struggled in this area.

'Funnily enough, my immediate response to his message was 'not a chance'.'

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NAME: DAVE

AGE: 24

OCCUPATION: ACCOUNTANT

Dave said: 'An initial joke by some friends for some cheap laughs slowly became the opportunity of a lifetime.

'I have always struggled to open up to people but this led me to feel invisible - a feeling I couldn't take anymore.

'I felt like it couldn't continue and I wanted to do something drastic to get my life back on track.

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NAME: JASON

AGE: 25

OCCUPATION: ADMIN WORKER

Jason said: 'I always felt like a failure in terms of intimacy and socialness.
'I know the island was primarily for intimacy, but it had

the amazing bonus of helping me improve my social skills – and for that, I will be forever grateful.'

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NAME: LOUISE

AGE: 22

OCCUPATION: CARE ADVISOR

Louise said: 'I never really imagined applying for a show like Virgin Island but my friend sent me the application as a joke, and I thought, 'Why not?'

'I was at the point where I was willing to try anything.

'I had just accepted that there must've just been something wrong with me - I think the fact that my friends would see the word 'virgin' and think of me says enough to be honest.'

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NAME: CHARLOTTE

AGE: 29

OCCUPATION: CARE WORKER

Charlotte said: 'Because I wanted to rid myself of my shame that I had surrounding my body, and my desire, and my ability to give myself pleasure.

'I wanted to be honest with myself so that I would not be hindered when having relationships in the future.'

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NAME: HOLLY

AGE: 23

OCCUPATION: DOG GROOMER

She said: 'I felt like I was at a point in my life where I was ready to experience being with someone, but I had a lot of anxiety and questions about myself that I felt I had to work through before taking that step.

'I was definitely nervous, not knowing what to expect, what the others were going to be like, whether I was actually going to get anything out of it.'

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NAME: PIA

AGE: 23

OCCUPATION: DIGITAL MARKETING ASSISTANT

Pia said: 'I applied for Virgin Island because of my struggles with vaginismus.

'I wanted to overcome the pain and anxiety I felt when exploring penetrative sex.

'Plus, I found intimacy incredibly overwhelming.'

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NAME: TAYLOR

AGE: 29

OCCUPATION: RECEPTIONIST

Taylor said: 'I spent my whole adult life wondering why I found sexual things so difficult when others didn't.

'When I was a teenager, the risks of sex seemed to far outweigh the benefits, the only benefit anyone spoke of was babies, and I certainly wasn't ready for one of those.

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NAME: TOM

AGE: 23

OCCUPATION: DRAMA STUDENT

Tom said: 'I always found myself to be a freak because I struggled to lose my virginity whilst others around me continued to pop their cherries.

'It severely affected my mental health, filling me with self-loathing which in turn made me a worse person.'

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NAME: VIRAJ

AGE: 25

OCCUPATION: PERSONAL TRAINER

Viraj said: 'I had a massive struggle to express myself in front of women.

'For me it wasn't about the intimacy stage but more with the confidence side of talking to women and making small talk.

'This whole idea was encouraged by my friends for me to get out of my comfort zone and go through with this.'

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NAME: Zac

AGE: 23

OCCUPATION: DELIVERY DRIVER

Zac said: 'There was a man reporting that Channel 4 was looking for adult virgins to take part in an experimental TV show. This was of course describing me.

'At first I was like - no way, I'm not gonna do that, but I started to think about it more and more, and I realised that I wasn't really getting anywhere by myself, time was just passing me by with no real positive change.'

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