People Who Have These 9 Common Traits Are More Likely To Cheat in Relationships, Psychologist Says
Cheating scandals rock our world all the time. Whether it’s a famous celebrity couple like Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, a reality TV touchstone moment like Scandoval or a viral video like the Coldplay Concert Kiss Cam controversy that just happened, Americans are obsessed with catching cheaters (and basking in the aftermath). Unfortunately for many of us, cheating isn’t a far-away reality TV or viral bit, and maybe those knee-jerk reactions to condemn someone in a figurative town square have a lot to do with our own experiences and thoughts around cheating. After someone breaks trust in such a vulnerable way, we might find ourselves often wondering if there was a way to spot this and save us some heartbreak. Are there traits that people who are more likely to cheat have?While some are more into condemning the morality of cheating than others, Dr. Kathy McMahon, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc., tells Parade that asking “What kind of person cheats?” is actually the wrong question. She explains that cheating isn’t black and white and doesn’t come with an instruction manual; while she does tell us common traits of people who cheat, she highlights that there’s a lot more to infidelity to think about.Related: 6 Signs Someone Is Using You, According to a PsychologistWhat People Often Get Wrong About CheatingDr. McMahon, who is also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist, shares that around 40% of the couples work she does "centers around betrayal: financial, emotional, and—of course—sexual.” And “nearly every client” asks her the same things:"Is cheating a trait or a state?""Can I detect the signs and eject early?""Can I train someone not to betray me?"But she stresses that in a world where we “crave algorithms,” to tell us warning signs or help prepare us for the worst, “there are only appetites.” Humans are complex, and there isn’t an instruction guide to warn you about someone breaking your trust and cheating. “Betrayal is rarely so polite,” she says. “It arrives dressed as vitality, or relief, or recognition—and only later as regret.”Related: Time To Talk Trust and Commitment—We've Got the 125 Best Loyalty QuotesCan You ‘Train’ People To Be Faithful?While there are some common traits of people who cheat, which we’ll get to in a little bit, it’s not that easy. And being faithful or devoted isn’t something you can “train” someone to be. “Erotic charge is not a glitch in the system,” Dr. McMahon says. “It’s the golden thread in the tapestry of being.”You can’t “pull” that thread out, she explains, because it’ll theoretically “unravel the entire fabric.” Eroticism also isn’t something that’s “fully formed” from the get-go. She notes that it’s kind of “like bacteria in a petri dish.” “It develops… slowly, subtly, situationally,” she shares. “It thrives on conditions—power, proximity, secrecy, unmet need, play, despair.”Even though separate cultures look at cheating differently, she notes there’s one thing that remains the same: “It refuses to be contained.”This is not to say that cheating is inevitable and you should just get over it or get ready for it. She’s saying that it’s not a singular thing that someone does; it’s rather a break in trust and boundaries. “Because ‘cheating’ is not one act. It’s a boundary rupture, and the boundary varies,” she notes. “For some, it’s sex. For others, it’s flirting. For others still, it’s the fact that your colleague’s name is always the first one you text when something good—or bad—happens.”Related: It Takes Time and Effort—Here's How To Rebuild Trust in a Relationship in 8 Steps9 Common Traits of People Who Cheat, According to a PsychologistWith all that said, Dr. McMahon does share with Parade “traits that correlate with cheating—but don’t condemn you to it.” She wants us to remember one important thing before going into the list, though: “These aren’t death sentences. They’re weather forecasts. And storms can be redirected with the right tools."1. High sensation-seekingDr. McMahon explains that this could lead to cheating because someone with this trait “craves novelty and adrenaline.”“Monogamy can feel like a slow death if intimacy isn’t reimagined,” she notes.What To Work On: “Learn to create erotic novelty within committed love,” she says. “Explore emotional risk, not just sexual.”Related: 7 Signs You Have a ‘Really Strong Personality,’ Psychologists Say2. Low empathySomeone who has low empathy “struggles to attune to a partner’s inner world,” Dr. McMahon says. This means that “impact doesn’t register as deeply,” which can lead someone to do something hurtful or devastating to their partner—such as cheat—without realizing just how bad it’ll be.What To Work On: “Practice perspective-taking,” she says. “Use tools like ‘speak for the other’ to build reflective empathy.”3. Avoidant attachmentSome people with an avoidant attachment style can be among those who are more likely to be unfaithful because they shy away from deep commitment or fully diving into something like a relationship (even if they’re already in one). “Fears engulfment, so intimacy triggers escape behaviors,” Dr. McMahon says of people who have avoidant attachment. “Cheating becomes a form of emotional exit.”What To Work On: “Learn to stay in connection even when it feels threatening,” she suggests. “Build tolerance for emotional intimacy.”Related: 8 Reasons You Could Be Afraid of Commitment, According to Psychologists4. Unresolved trauma or shameIf someone experiences a traumatic event or has deep shame about themselves, their sex lives or their past, they could self-sabotage for a couple of reasons. “[They feel] fundamentally unworthy or afraid of vulnerability,” Dr. McMahon says. “[They use] affairs to escape inner pain or prove worth.”What To Work On: “Address the core wounds,” she recommends. “Therapy helps rewire the self-narrative from broken to worthy.”5. Entitlement and/or narcissismIf someone is entitled or narcissistic, they might feel like they aren’t getting enough in their relationship, leading them to cheat.“Believes they ‘deserve’ more or are above rules,” Dr. McMahon shares. “Cheating becomes a way to assert power or uniqueness.”What To Work On: “Cultivate humility and accountability,” she says. “True intimacy requires equality.”Related: If Someone Does These 6 Things Repeatedly, It Might Be Narcissism, a Psychologist Warns6. Poor emotional communicationWe say this often, but communication really is key to a good bond. And the flipside of that might make someone more likely to step out on that relationship. “[They] can’t express needs directly, so [they] seek covert outlets,” Dr. McMahon explains. “Cheating becomes a maladaptive signal.”What To Work On: “Learn to name needs early, clearly and with softness,” she says. “Emotional literacy is a teachable skill.”Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists7. Conflict avoidanceIf someone is very unlikely to talk about issues head-on, they might be someone who also avoids conflict so much that they create their own to "escape." “Fears confrontation or disconnection,” Dr. McMahon says of those with conflict avoidance. “Builds up resentment until it explodes in secrecy.”What To Work On: “Practice gentle conflict,” she suggests. “Use repair rituals. Learn that rupture isn’t the end—it’s part of bonding.”8. Sexual incompatibility (unspoken)Having different libidos from your partner can be common. But it’s how you handle it that’s important. And for some with sexual incompatibility, especially if it remains unspoken, they can resort to cheating. This person likely “has unmet desires but doesn’t know how to ask for them or fears rejection,” Dr. McMahon shares. What To Work On: “Create safe spaces to talk about erotic needs,” she says. “Fantasies aren’t shameful—they’re maps.”9. High-stakes power rolesThis doesn’t just have to do with the married-to-other-people CEO and Chief People Officer of Astronomer holding each other at a Coldplay concert. But whenever there is a power imbalance or power dynamics play a major role—or someone just gets a big head from having a lot of authority—cheating can happen. “Power corrupts—and isolates,” Dr. McMahon shares. “Being admired for status can numb emotional accountability.”What To Work On: “Stay grounded,” she says. “Surround yourself with people who challenge, not just praise, you. And get a damn therapist.”Related: 'Why Is Everyone So Mean to Me?' 8 Common Reasons—and What To Do About It, According to PsychologistsWhat Questions To Ask Instead of ‘What Kind of Person Cheats?'As Dr. McMahon shared previously, there is a lot that people don’t understand or get wrong about cheating. It’s not always (and often isn’t) black and white. So some questions to ask that are better than, “What kind of person cheats?” are:Who stops being seen in their relationship?Who feels alive only in secret?Who thinks rules don’t apply to them?Who doesn’t know how to name their needs until it’s too late?She says that “people don’t cheat to destroy their lives,” but instead find themselves unfaithful because they want to “touch something that feels like a pulse.”“And if we spent half as much time talking about how to sustain that pulse—within ourselves, within long-term love—we might have fewer wreckages to gawk at on screens,” she says.Up Next:Related: People With 'Control Issues' Often Use These 11 Subtle Tactics, According to PsychologistsSource:Dr. Kathy McMahon, Psy.D, is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She’s also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist.
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