The Microfeminism Trend Is Viral—Here’s How One Mom Uses It to Co-Parent
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It's helping to make co-parenting easier for this mom.
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Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah ScottThere’s a trend that’s taken off on TikTok that aims to call out all the ways women are still battling double standards when it comes to men. There are thousands of videos tagged microfeminism, and many of them have millions of views. Microfeminism happens in the office, over email, in doctor's offices, and within families. The videos are about small acts of pushback women can do in their day-to-day lives to strive for equality. It's about calling out sexism, flipping the script, or making it a tiny bit tougher to be walked all over. One TikToker went viral for talking about how she uses microfeminism in her relationship. That includes allowing her partner to maintain connections with his own family and making sure both of them restock household items when they run out. @katiewood____ microfeminisms in relationships #microfeminism #feminism #feminist ♬ original sound - katie wood What I realized after digging into this trend is that I’ve been using microfeminism in my co-parenting journey.I’m a single mother of two kids, who works full-time. Sometimes, I can't go to everything, and sometimes, I choose to let my co-parent go instead—at least when meetings or functions fall on his days with the kids. It’s not always an easy battle.Just before the start of summer, there was a school meeting that I couldn't attend. I was interviewing an important subject, and I hoped my ex would accept that I would miss the meeting without a lot of back and forth. Instead of simply saying, "I've got this one," he sent an email to the school making sure my absence wasn't "an issue."I was annoyed, but it wasn't the first time he questioned or belittled my absence somewhere. A few weeks prior, when I told him I wouldn't be attending a doctor's appointment, he responded that it wasn't "a good look."These kinds of comments and actions translate to, "You're not doing enough." But I’ve learned to routinely stand up for myself in small but important ways. I am microfeminising all over the place and I’m proud of it.Why I Use Microfeminism While Co-ParentingI ended my marriage nearly seven years ago, and sometimes, I still feel like there are battles I’ll never get away from.When kids are young, it can feel almost impossible to remember yourself. It's not the fault of the kids, though. It's the fault of those around you that let you take on more than you should have to, or are even able to. It’s no secret the mental load often falls on the mother’s shoulders in heterosexual partnerships. It took a while to fully realize I was drowning, but I felt I was always the person who did everything for the kids. I had to fight hard to be seen for all of my efforts. I worked from home, but I also scheduled the appointments, attended the meetings, usually solo, and connected with fellow parents on playdates, and so on. In retrospect, I allowed way too much to fall to me. My ex always pushed for less responsibility, and the more I pushed back, the deeper the divide got. It ate away at trust. As a single parent with 50/50 custody, it might appear the battle has been won. But the truth is, I still have to stand up for myself regularly. I have been defaulted to so many times when a task should've been his in the first place.I've also been told I'm not doing enough when I'm doing more than my fair share. I've had to fight for freedoms that most fathers enjoy without any fight at all. It's an amazing thing, really, that you can undeniably be the parent who is picking up the slack and still be treated like you aren't doing enough. And when you're a single mother, people say things like, "Oh, it must be nice having all that free time." But the truth is, you are scarcely allowed the freedom to turn your brain off. You are called in for backup. You are guilt-tripped, or diminished. That remains true, not just because of ex-husbands. They aren't the only ones who default to mothers. It's society at large. It's schools, and receptionists, and doctors, and bosses. Then kids learn the lesson too—they learn who will answer the phone, and who will let it go to voicemail. At the same time, a father is a hero for showing up for his kids while a mother is expected to never miss an appointment or a beat. Pushing Back Is Making a DifferenceThe pushback might be slow, but hopefully, steady. Baltimore-based therapist Nathalie Savell, LCPC, says, "We have to start somewhere," when it comes to rewriting the script for what each parent is responsible for. But it's not without its battle. "We probably are the first generation of women recognizing all these tiny ways that we're not given equality," she says, "and to start asking for it, and pointing things out." Even if the act of protest is just saying, "No, I can't make that meeting," or "Not this time," when he asks me to take the kids on his night, or, gently (or sometimes angrily, if I'm being really real) asking him to think about what the scenario would look like if roles were reversed, the point is still made. It usually comes with an argument. How obnoxious it must be to have a raging feminist as an ex-wife. No, I mean that—I am the one going against the grain. I recognize that’s why this isn’t easy. It usually comes with having to remind myself to breathe, and also, acknowledging that it’s not entirely his fault that he thinks the way he does. As Savell explains, it can feel hard for even well-meaning men to understand: "I mean, this stuff has been ingrained for so many generations."I fought excruciatingly hard for that 50/50 custody. Still, it doesn't exactly exist, at least it won't for me. I have come to accept that, and acceptance can be powerful, merely because it helps me to feel less angry. But it doesn’t mean I will allow myself to be made to feel less than—at least not without a nudge here and there.Truthfully, I've become zen about being the default parent. My kids are now old enough that they both view me that way. There are wonderful things about being the person your kids call—even when it's not your day, your time, even when you're busy. Still, I won't stop pushing back when that ingrained sexism crops up and attempts to run my life. Even when it feels isolating, which it often does. Genuinely, I have felt like the problem, and like everyone in the world is somehow angry at me for saying, "I'm a person, too.” I have to push back. Whether that's for me, personally, so that I am letting my soul breathe, expressing what I need, and acknowledging, if only to myself, that my personhood matters—or whether it's for a great purpose, I don't know. I do know that accepting that I matter less because I am a woman and a mother feels like a burden even greater than using my voice.None of it is easy, but I do hold onto hope that one day it’s worth it. For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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