7 of the Least Masculine Things Jerry Did on ‘Seinfeld’
Jerry Seinfeld is back in the news — again — after a podcast appearance in which he laments America’s loss of dominant masculinity. “I like a real man,” he said, wishing we could all return to the testosterone-driven days of JFK, Sean Connery and Muhammed Ali. What can he say? “I like a real man.” Give Seinfeld credit for at least a little self-awareness — he knows he doesn’t belong on a masculine Mount Rushmore with his heroes. “I’ve always wanted to be a real man,” he told podcast host Bari Weiss. “I never made it.” It goes without saying that the fictional Jerry on Seinfeld never made it either. On a show full of non-masculine characters like George Costanza and Newman, Jerry might have been the least macho of them all. Here are seven of his least masculine Seinfeld deeds…
1 He Wore a Puffy Shirt on National Television
One thing’s for sure: Sean Connery would never do stand-up outfitted like an extra from The Pirates of Penzance. Elaine can’t understand why Jerry looks like he’s about to swing on a chandelier. “You can’t come out dressed like that!” she warns. “You’re all puffed up! You look like the Count of Monte Cristo!”
2 He Throws Out a Shoelace After It Touches the Bathroom Floor
Sure, Jerry is a neat freak. But is he afraid of cooties or something? John Wayne wasn’t this particular about the blood and guts that stained his cowboy boots.
3 He Steals Bread from Old Women
When an elderly lady dares to defy Jerry’s whims, he calls her an old bag and physically takes what he wants. Then once he’s wrested the marble rye from her arthritic grip, he flees like a man afraid for his life. If chivalry wasn’t dead before, this episode of Seinfeld might have been the final blow.
4 He Cheated in a Foot Race — Twice
PlayAs a boy, Seinfeld had to hoodwink and lie to compete in physical contests against the other guys. As a grown man? He does the same thing. Is Jerry ashamed of the duplicity that helps him win the race — and the girl? Not in the slightest.
5 He Refuses to Give Mouth-to-Mouth to Another Man
Here’s a guy who’s so insecure in his own masculinity that he’d let another man die to avoid performing CPR. What a chump.
6 He Is Terrified to Steal Cable
Steal bread from an old lady on the street? No problem! Steal cable TV from some communications monolith? “What if I get caught?” he frets, knees trembling at the very idea.
7 Children’s Toys Give Him Nightmares
Kramer’s ventriloquist doll, Mr. Marbles, is a favorite among the kids. But to Jerry? “I feel like it’s going to come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.” It doesn’t matter where Seinfeld sleeps — the night terrors associated with Mr. Marbles just won’t go away. Same thing probably happened to Muhammed Ali.
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