'It's Uncomfortable But I'm Growing'–This Mom Gets Real About Marrying Into Affectionate Family
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The viral Instagram reel highlights how trust and comfort zones aren't always so clearly defined in blended families.
Getty Images/The Good Brigade
Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah ScottEntering a new dynamic such as a blended family can be exciting, but also scary. Even scarier for some is when their new family members display a level of affection, support, and positivity that feels unfamiliar and even uncomfortable.One self-described "bonus mom" recently took to Instagram to post a humorous but very real depiction of the situation—and it sparked an interesting conversation among parents about a not-so-often discussed part of becoming a blended family.The reel posted by @shantelmsmith shows her acting out a range of scenes she finds uncomfortable as a parent who has married into a super affectionate family, including goodbye rituals, the cuddles, and the compliments.The video displays the excessive hugging, which Smith momentarily, and jokingly, refers to as “suffocation”, among other strained reactions. At the end of the video, Smith exclaims, “Oh my gosh, what is with everyone? I just want a little bit of space!” View this post on Instagram A post shared by Shan (@shantelmsmith)
In the caption, Smith highlights how vastly different the household she married into is from the household she grew up in.“No one shares what a giant leap it is to go from low levels of affection where love is still present to being shown affection on a regular basis,” she writes.The video, which has racked up over 800k likes and over 13K comments, inspired commenters to chime in on what it can feel like to grow up without having large amounts of affection and then being thrust into a life full of it.One commenter notes: “It feels so overwhelming and claustrophobic because this is absolutely not normal for us”.Another adds: “It's emotionally draining dealing with people love bombing you every day.”These may seem like negative–and maybe even ungrateful reactions toward family–but understandably, anyone who grew up without expressing love that way simply may not know what to do when it seems to be the norm amongst their new family members.Knowing Where Your Discomfort Stems FromCaregivers who marry into new families shouldn't feel bad about having a reaction similar to Smith's. Especially if you can acknowledge that the experience is new for you.Smith makes a really transparent and important point about not fully trusting those who are affectionate simply because she didn't grow up in a household with that level of affection.Research from Princeton University found that 40% of children in the U.S. lack strong emotional attachments to their parents. Of the 40% who lack this type of secure attachment, 25% avoid their parents when they are upset and 15% resist their parents because their parents cause them distress.These attachments (or lack thereof) during childhood can naturally translate to how we process, accept, and show love in adulthood.According to a 2018 study, attachment theory can help us understand how our formative relationships could impact how we navigate connections with others as adults–validating any impassivity toward physical or verbal displays of endearment.So, discomfort isn't necessarily bad in this case. But if you want to grow beyond it, it's vital to know where it comes from and be transparent with your new family members about how you're feeling. It’s also important to give yourself and others the space and time necessary to become more accustomed to a brand-new way of loving.Processing the Path ForwardEqually, parents who can relate to what Smith is going through shouldn’t beat themselves up over not knowing how to process increased affection in blended families right away. Feelings of guilt are likely to pop up from time to time. But don't let it define your relationship with your kids or partner, or overshadow your growth. It takes time to break a cycle and start a new one.Experiencing brand new love as part of a blended family can be a blessing–it can change the way you view and experience life in such a positive way.A UCLA study from 2013 found that parental warmth can make children emotionally happier and less anxious. So while learning to accept and embrace affection may not be easy for some, in the end, everyone benefits, especially the kids!Smith’s Instagram caption concludes with an important note: “It’s uncomfortable but I’m growing.”And that's what it's all about. There’s no need to put pressure on yourself to change instantaneously. But if you’re committed to working on the change with your new family, that’s a great start! For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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