This is why playing a narcissist at their game is the only way to deal with them
y MARIA OKANRENDE
A conflict resolution expert has revealed the best way to deal with a narcissist.
Speaking to Femail, Francesca Santoro from London, advised anyone dealing with a narcissist to fight back, and shared the tools people should use to 'beat a narcissist and their own game'.
'A narcissist suffers from a psychological condition, the principal characteristic being a lack of empathy and a failure to make an emotional connection' she said.
'Another characteristic is an over inflated sense of self-importance or entitlement.
'There are other telltale signs too, such as being skilled manipulators, compulsive liars, as well as treating their victims coldly and callously'.
She added that dealing with a narcissist can leave a person feeling drained, alone, and powerless.
In extreme cases a narcissist can mercilessly strip a person of their self esteem and leave them a a shadow of themselves.
But Francesca insists it's imperative to understand what a narcissist is first before devising a game plan.
London-based conflict resolution expert, Francesca Santoro (pictured), advises anyone dealing with a narcissist to fight back, and has shared the very tools you can use to play them at their own game
Francesca has devised key statements and phrases to hit back at narcissists and ultimately counteract their emotionally abusive behaviour.
Meanwhile, Annalie Howling, a British trauma specialist and author of self help book, Unapologetic, told FEMAIL: 'Narcissists work with their own special currency of supply.
She added that narcissists are 'empty inside', and they latch on to who they perceive as mirrors of themselves in order to steal a 'supply' of power from them for their own use.
'Think of this like tokens for a special power meter. They need more than most to continuously keep themselves topped up.
'This is because they are fundamentally empty inside. Narcissists are insecure and have very low self-worth but disguise it'.
Francesca says narcissists thrive and in many ways feed on your emotions so it's best to starve them.
'They will manipulate them [your emotions], especially anger' said Francesca.
'Conflict with a narcissist is brutal and unrelenting, the goal is to inflame and destroy you mentally. So don't engage in any way if you can avoid it'.
Annalie agrees that interactions with a narcissist should be kept at surface level - 'only put in what you are happy for them to use and critically discard' she said.
If you must engage with one, keep the conversation light and don't divulge too many personal details, she added.
Annalie says narcissists are 'empty inside', and they latch on to who they perceive as mirrors of themselves in order to steal a 'supply' of power from them for their own use (Stock image)
Cut them off
One way narcissists assert control over their victims is by slowly cutting them off from their own lives, ultimately ensuring they become the centre of their victim's world.
Their singular identity - including their own friends, hobbies, work and sense of self - deteriorate over time while the narcissist continues to glow up.
'The narcissists like the cuckoo want you all to themselves to take all of your power, and that means you being isolated from other people in your life' said Annalie.
'They ask you to question long-standing friends' motives and family members' loyalty. Ultimately creating disconnection from your life'.
What is the cuckoo complex?
Annalie refers to this as the 'cuckoo complex' - a bird that never builds its own nest but instead steals it from another bird.
'The cuckoo may sit proud on something they haven't made, but fundamentally it wasn't made for them, so it doesn't fit' she explained.
'Then if a repair is required from a storm, they are unwilling and unable to fix it because they didn't make it in the first place.
'This leaves them with an enhanced sense of low self-worth, not being capable, and requiring more from others... later they move on to taking from another bird again, and the cycle continues'.
Stay connected to the things and people you love and enjoy, and if all else fails, take a breather to analyse the situation without the narcissist's interference.
'A narcissist can be a family member, boss, partner, or close friend and they have access to you', said Annalie.
She also said narcissists are notorious for the 'love bombing' and 'withdrawal' cycle; a vicious and manipulative tactic that sees them drench you with affection before suddenly becoming cold or distant.
Love bombing is when someone showers you with romantic gestures, artfully painting a picture of the beautiful future they intend to share with you, often when you've only known them for a short period of time.
'If you are being swept away at what feels like lightning speed in a new relationship or friendship, take some time to do a full health check' insists Annalie.
'We can become 'high' around another person (this includes the constant messaging at the start) and it activates our system'.
The expert advises keeping to yourself or doing an activity that will explicitly clear your mind. From here, you can decide if you are happy with the pace of the connection.
According to Francesca, narcissists can create so much anarchy that victims are left struggling to trust their own instincts.
'If you feel a lack of empathy from a person, protect yourself by keeping your vulnerabilities to yourself' she warned.
'Don't confide in them or trust them with your secrets. They will be used against you if it serves them'.
Annalie says narcissists study what you do and take notes the entire time - only to use this information to bend you to their will later on.
'It's information that they can later use to trade (gossip) or gain more control and use it to hurt you in the future' she added.
Annalie Howling, (pictured) a British trauma specialist and author of self help book, Unapologetic, says keeping personal information close to the chest, staying in contact with loved ones and using earplugs to 'drown out the noise' caused by narcissists are all effective ways of dealing with them
Be factual
Annalie says narcissists play on your spiritual beliefs to trick you into accepting something you normally wouldn't - and shouldn't.
Term narcissist is 'over used'
Still, Francesca says the term is incessantly 'overused', and with platforms such as TikTok and X awash with personal tales of so-called narcissism, it's true definition seems to have lost its essence.
'Just because somebody is arrogant, it doesn't make them a narcissist' stated Francesca.
'We can all show a lack of empathy at times - this is a skill that needs to be developed by everyone. Just be aware of who you are, what you stand for and what your boundaries are.
'If somebody consistently tramples over you with no regard for your feelings, this disrespectful behaviour either needs to be calmly addressed, or you need to question what you are getting out of your relationship with them.
'If you decide to put up with this treatment, what does this say about your sense of self worth?'
She explained: 'They create 'chance encounters' where you think the universe or divine intervention put them on your path. They are there because they want you to believe that'.
Sharing anecdotal details of a former client, she added: 'I have known a very wealthy client fall victim to this technique only to have his new wife (narcissist) leave for her long-term partner once the ink was dry.
'She felt she hadn't got enough money in her first divorce so studied wealthy divorcees and found him'.
Being pragmatic about things is one of the best ways to shield yourself from manipulative behavior.
Earplugs or physical tools
If you've attempted all of these tips, the narcissist is likely to know they are losing control and will desperately try to regain their power over you.
For this, Annalie suggests using earplugs.
'Imagine a toddler having a big tantrum. Have some tools ready to drown out the noise' she revealed.
Leave
Arming yourself with expert knowledge is the best line of defence against a narcissist, but if all else fails, it's best to end the relationship - no matter the nature, explained Francesca.
She told those seeking help to 'accept that this is who they are' and to end things right away, although she admitted this 'wasn't always easy or quick'.
'You can't change them... just disengage as much as you can if possible' she continued. 'Leave any relationship you have with them!'
And as Annalie aptly put it: 'Trust your intuition or that of a trusted friend. If something feels off, it probably is'.
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