How To Be a Lighthouse Parent
Lighthouse parenting combines the most important aspects of raising children: nurturing, loving, protecting, and communicating with them. Much like a lighthouse, parents provide a stable source of guidance for their children while still maintaining a healthy balance of stepping in and allowing them the freedom to grow and learn on their own.On the spectrum of parenting styles, lighthouse parenting hovers right around the middle—not as involved as a helicopter parent, but not as hands-off as a free-range parent. However, this approach is may not be effective for every child.Read on to learn more about what lighthouse parenting entails, the benefits and challenges, it's strengths and limitations, and how to implement a lighthouse approach with your kids.
Lighthouse Parenting, Explained“Lighthouse parenting straddles the line where you’re not becoming overly involved, but you’re also not being permissive and standoffish,” explains Joe Farrell, LCSW, owner and psychotherapist of Peninsula Child & Family Services in Virginia.A big component of lighthouse parenting involves being present and available for your children whenever they need guidance without overstepping boundaries. “With helicopter parenting, parents are not allowing [their kids] the opportunity to ask for help because they’re identifying problems before they arise. They’re providing solutions that aren't being asked for and not allowing their children to struggle,” says Farrell.In contrast, he says, parents that utilize a lighthouse approach avoid solving their children's problems for them and seek to cultivate a relationship where their children feel safe and comfortable bringing issues and challenges to their parent—and children are confident that, if they need them, their parent will work through these tough moments with them.The key principles of lighthouse parenting include:Checking in and communicatingBalancing autonomy and guidanceGiving children enough space to experience and learn from failureBeing available whenever guidance is neededFostering independence and resilience Allowing children the opportunity to make decisions and problem-solve on their own“By being there to provide [your kids] with support and guidance but not just solving the problems for them, it allows them to feel like they have the tools to tackle things that life may throw at them,” says Farrell.Benefits of Lighthouse ParentingHere are some of the most significant benefits of a lighthouse parenting style:Promotes healthy boundariesLighthouse parents set healthy limits and boundaries for their children without being too forceful or overly involved. This helps foster essential life skills such as independence, problem-solving, and resilience, while building their self-esteem and self-confidence.Creates a supportive parent-child relationshipA lighthouse parenting approach values open communication and self-reflection, and it encourages children to come to parents for guidance, which lays the foundation for a comfortable and supportive relationship.Farrell explains, “[Your kids] will see you as an effective source of support when future problems arise because they know that you're going to provide them with tools and guidance. You're not going to become over-involved, you're not going to push them away—it's going to create a really nice, supportive relationship that most parents would want with their children.”Builds better coping skillsA cornerstone of lighthouse parenting is offering children guidance when it's needed, rather than constantly intervening and solving their problems for them. This approach can be supportive in helping kids to build effective coping skills and strengthen their resilience, which can prepare them to move through challenges and overcome obstacles throughout their life.“If mild or moderate conflict or issues arise, they feel capable of handling those things without feeling some sort of need to rely on [their parents] to figure it out,” says Farrell.Are There Any Downsides to Lighthouse Parenting?Lighthouse parenting is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Parents tend to be inherently wired to want to help their kids in any way possible—which can be one of the toughest aspects of a lighthouse parenting approach. “It’s challenging to kind of step back and allow [your kids] to grow and learn on their own. You have to allow them to fail,” says Farrell. Essentially, lighthouse parents are watchful but trusting—giving their children just enough space to experience life on their own—which can be a challenge if you’re eager to help solve every issue or decision that pops up.“I understand the desire to be very involved and wanting to know all the ins and outs of your child's life,” says Farrell. “But you do get to that point, as they age, that they need to have their own life. So, as they get older, you're gradually stepping back.”It's also important to note that lighthouse parenting will not always be suitable for all parents and children. There are several factors that could make this approach ineffective for some kids. For example, the child's individual needs, their temperament, mental health, unique developmental trajectory, or emotional challenges—may make it necessary for a child to receive more guidance or structure.Practical Tips for Lighthouse ParentingHere are some ways to implement a lighthouse approach with your children:Adjust your approach based on ageLighthouse parenting is going to look different for younger children than school-aged kids or teens. For example, toddlers are going to need a much more hands-on approach, but the goal is to gradually increase freedom and opportunities for self-improvement as they grow older. “As kids graduate through their developmental milestones, the role of the parent needs to evolve as well,” says Farrell. “If you are approaching an adolescent the way that you would a toddler in terms of the type of help that you're providing, then you're probably robbing them of some opportunities for growth.The reason? “Because they're not able to solve problems themselves nearly as effectively as they would be if you had been becoming progressively more hands-off as they got older,” he says.Love unconditionally, but don’t be afraid to set boundariesWhile your child should understand that you love them unconditionally, it’s still important to provide reasonable rules, boundaries, and expectations for behavior. While authoritarian parents, for example, are more strict, inflexible, and controlling, lighthouse parents encourage independence by trusting their children to follow the rules and make good decisions.Provide support and maintain open communicationThis is especially important for a lighthouse parenting approach, especially when it comes to older kids and teens. “[You] want them to feel comfortable to share things with [you] that they would like to, but you don't want to be creating a situation where they're being overly influenced to or pressured to,” explains Farrell. “Because, hopefully, they've learned through the lighthouse approach what good decision-making looks like and how to manage their affairs fairly well.” When they do feel the need to come to you, really listen—they should know that no matter the issue, you’re there to toss judgment aside and be the voice of reason they’re looking for. Instead of giving all the answers, lighthouse parents help their kids walk through problems and decisions, allowing them to guide the process and reach a conclusion on their own.Know when it’s necessary to step inWhile lighthouse parenting centers around children learning and growing on their own, there are certain situations that warrant more intervention. (Use your parenting instincts!)Farrell explains that if you feel fairly confident that drugs or other unsafe behavior are involved (i.e., sneaking around at night, coming home with injuries, etc.), it’s important to intervene.Everything else, of course, is up to them to talk to you about. “There's a certain amount of question and answer that an effective parent is going to be engaging in, but for things that [don’t fall under] those extremes, you need to allow them the freedom to decide when and how they choose to share things, if at all.”Remember that it’s okay for kids to failSince lighthouse parenting embraces the concept that kids need to problem-solve on their own, the outcomes may not always be ideal to parents—but this, says Farrell, is the point of lighthouse parenting. “You kind of have to embrace the effects of [your child] living their life and maybe falling on their face occasionally,” he says. He adds that these scenarios should never become I-told-you-so moments, but learning momentsinstead: “You have to conduct an autopsy of sorts and try to understand what it was that went wrong and what could have been done differently. What can we learn from this? It’s not fearing the potential bad outcome, but instead embracing it to some extent and allowing it to be a learning opportunity.”
Key TakeawayLighthouse parenting is a style of parenting in which parents are a stable force in their children’s lives, offering advice, guidance, attention, unconditional love, and the freedom to experience life on their own—even if they fail. Striving for a lighthouse approach—balancing between support and independence but stepping in if health or safety is at stake— is one way to support your child, and to build their confidence, resilience, and coping skills, so that they'll be better equipped to handle whatever may come their way in life.
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