9 Types of Toxic Family Dynamics and How to Identify Each One
Medically reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhDMedically reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhDWhile no family is perfect, some families have toxic dynamics that make it challenging for kids to develop into healthy adults. These families are known for being filled with tension, conflict, unrealistic expectations, chaos, neglect, yes, even abuse. Sometimes, unhealthy family dynamics may even lead to estrangement.Perhaps you experienced toxic family dynamics growing up, or maybe you’re concerned that the family you’re creating is becoming somewhat dysfunctional—either way, the first step toward change and healing is being able to recognize toxic family dynamics. After that, you can learn healthier ways of interacting with family members, set boundaries where needed, and rebuild your self-esteem. Here’s what you should know about the nine most common toxic family dynamics.
What Are Toxic Family Dynamics? Toxic family dynamics are those that perpetuate all or some of the following unproductive and hurtful behaviors:disrespect manipulationlying, poor communicationineffective conflict resolution skillscontrolMelissa Klass, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, adjunct professor, and committee member for the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists says that you may notice a lack of boundaries and that some family members may not take responsibility for their choices or actions.“Depending on what is occurring, this can look very different, but it almost always feels confusing, isolating, and sad,” says Klass. “Children are egocentric, which means that they take responsibility for what happens around them. When a child grows up in a toxic home, their egocentric nature can lead to shame; believing that they are bad instead of simply having done something bad.”How Do Kids in Toxic Families Behave and Feel?Often, kids who grow up in a toxic family system will act out in some way—or they may “act in” by engaging in negative self-talk, she says. “Versions of codependence or people-pleasing behaviors [also] are a frequent byproduct of growing up in a toxic family system. Having low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and difficulty trusting in close relationships also are common. Even difficulty maintaining close relationships [can be found in toxic family systems]—the skills required would not have had space to develop in a toxic home,” explains Kass. “All families experience challenges and struggles, but a toxic family dynamic may involve one or more members treating each other in harmful or destructive ways. These behaviors can include angry outbursts, violation of boundaries, lying, blame, manipulation, control, as well as verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.”Monika Roots, MD, FAPA, a child and adolescent psychiatrist and co-founder of Bend Health
9 Different Types of Toxic Family DynamicsHere are nine of the most common toxic family systems, their characteristics, and how to identify them.Abusive and controllingIf you frequently feel like you’re walking on eggshells or experience constant criticism or threats, you may be in an abusive and controlling family, says Caroline Fenkel, DSW, LCSW, a doctor of social work and chief clinical officer at Charlie Health. “In an abusive or controlling family system, one or more members exert power through fear, control, or abuse—whether physical or emotional.”CharacteristicsAbusive and controlling family systems typically discount the needs of a child and often shift blame and responsibility onto them, says Klass. Other characteristics include: Overbearing rulesConstant surveillanceStrict decision-making control by one parent How to identify itWhen identifying abusive and controlling family dynamics, look for patterns rather than isolated incidents, says Klass. Many of these consistent or repeated behaviors happen in abusive families, including:Belittling UnderminingPhysical violenceUnexplained injuriesIsolationExcessive and hurtful criticismThreatening behavior Coercive controlNormalization of decidedly abnormal behaviors including all of the above ""Toxic family dynamics can be difficult to recognize, especially when you are living within the family system. Everyone is different, but some common signs may include feeling anxious, depressed, drained, or emotionally or physically unsafe during or after interactions with family members.”"Monika Roots, MD, FAPA, a child and adolescent psychiatrist and co-founder of Bend Health
Competitive In a competitive family system, family members are often pitted against each other or compared to one another with one child’s accomplishments being celebrated to the detriment of other members of the family. Fostering an environment where competition is a central element of interactions can cause kids to try to win at all costs or to feel like a failure or lack self-esteem when they don’t excel. “Emotional manipulation may be used to motivate [kids] and emotional support is often lacking. In families like this, an individual's self worth is often tied to their success,” says Dr. Roots.CharacteristicsWhen family members are pitted against each other, it can cause jealousy, resentment, and insecurity, says Dr. Roots. “Parents may single out or praise one child and create scenarios where siblings feel competitive with one another.”How to identify itKlass suggests looking for the following behaviors:Frequent comparisonEmphasis on winning Conditional approval Competitive interactionsEnmeshedIn an enmeshed family dynamic, boundaries are too loose and family members are over-involved in each other's lives, explains Jolie Silva, PhD, a psychologist and clinical director of New York Behavioral Health. CharacteristicsThis family dynamic is characterized by enabling behaviors and codependency. “If you experience signs of ‘failure to launch’ such as delayed independence, your family may have an enmeshed dynamic.” Klass adds that enmeshed families have “difficulty in separating individual identities or achieving healthy autonomy.”How to identify itEnmeshed family systems can be intrusive and lack privacy. Family members also tend to have high emotional dependence on each other and may be conflict averse, says Klass. “Look at the boundaries in the family system, individual autonomy, overinvolvement (vs appropriate involvement) in daily life and role confusion,” she explains—which might mean parentified kids who are expected to take care of themselves and other children with the family, without help from the adults.EnablingAn enabling family system allows or perpetuates dysfunctional behavior in one or more family members, typically out of a desire to avoid conflict, says Klass.CharacteristicsFamily members might enable addiction or other destructive behaviors by protecting individuals from consequences, lying, or downplaying substance abuse, says Dr. Roots. They lack accountability and there can be an acceptance of problematic behaviors like substance use, truancy, infidelity, addictions, and more. Similarly, they bail out or pick up the slack for other family members rather than allowing them to take responsibility for themselves, their behaviors, and their choices.How to identify itBoundaries can become blurred in these relationships, says Dr. Fenkel, because family members, “enable addictive behaviors while denying the impact on the family.” He adds that “family members feel trapped in caretaking roles without clear boundaries”—including a failure to acknowledge when those roles become too demanding, stressful, or draining.ParentificationParentification typically occurs when a child’s emotional or practical needs are neglected, and they are expected to care for or manage aspects of family life beyond their developmental capacity, says Klass. CharacteristicsParentification happens when one child—often the oldest—is relied upon as though they were a third parent, says Silva. Children tend to act caregivers or manage adult responsibilities, while sacrificing their performance in school or other hobbies. “Triangulation also is common in this family dynamic where the child acts as a buffer between two parents in conflict," Silva adds.How to identify itThe role of each member of the family is often unclear or confusing, or children in the family are expected to act like adults.“Look at a child’s role and how responsibility is distributed in the family system. Children growing up in this type of system don’t tend to have many peer relationships or any age-appropriate activities of their own.” Emotionally detachedSometimes called the loveless family, this toxic family dynamic is void of affection and love. According to Dr. Roots parents are often emotionally unavailable to their children and do not provide support or connection. “This type of dynamic can negatively impact a child’s emotional and social development.” CharacteristicsIn these families, the members are often under-involved in each others' lives and emotionally distant, says Silva. This can cause kids to feel invalidated and isolated. In these situations the children in the family may:Seek attention from othersAct extreme ways out of fear of abandonmentBecome attached too quickly to other adults or friendsHave trouble connecting to othersHow to identify it These families often lack signs of affection and warmth. Hugs, handholding, and other physical signs of love are often missing. Likewise, these families lack empathy and support. Instead, conversations tend to be practical and goal oriented and may lack depth and meaning, says Klass. They also are not supportive during difficult times.ChaoticA chaotic family often displays signs of turmoil and instability, including chronic unemployment, frequent relationships and breakups involving a parent, or inconsistent emotional involvement from the parent or caregiver.CharacteristicsChaotic households may be loud and disorganized. There also may be a lack of structure, routine, and healthy rules.“Family members may shout to be heard and struggle to handle day-to-day responsibilities due to lack of structure. This may cause children to feel unsafe, unsupported, anxious, or stressed,” she adds. How to identify it In a chaotic family, look for "disorganized family systems that allow for members to exist in a state of confusion,” says Klass. Chaotic families with exhibit a lack of:ConsistencyPredictability Emotional safety Image conscious and perfectionisticImage conscious family systems maintain an emphasis on achieving high or unreachable standards, says Klass. What’s more, perfectionism can lead to anxiety, depression, and even obsessive compulsive disorder.CharacteristicsThis family system prioritizes family image over authenticity, says Silva. Mistakes are not tolerated and family members continuously strive to meet unrealistic expectations.“Parents who model this behavior are teaching their children that anything less than perfect is unacceptable, which can lead to perfectionist traits as adults. Shame is commonly experienced in these family members as well, since societal approval has such a strong emphasis in their upbringing.” How to identify itTo identify this toxic family system, Dr. Roots suggests looking for a family that places emphasis on accomplishment and appearances. Parents may encourage perfectionism by praising children for their achievements (and often they frame love as conditional on high achievement) as well as constantly setting what seem like to children as impossible-to-meet standards of performance. This family also may encourage family members to hide the family’s imperfections or to always put “their best face forward.”NeglectfulIn families where there is neglect, children must learn to fend for themselves emotionally or physically. They often get minimal attention or guidance from their parents. Parents in this scenario also tend to ignore their children’s needs and have very little involvement in their child’s life.CharacteristicsChildren growing up in neglectful families may not have access to medical care, appropriate education, food, and other necessities. Their parents also ignore their emotional well being and may not pay attention to their basic needs, including their hygiene, diet, and overall health. How to identify itIn these families, there is often a noticeable lack of communication or involvement in the child’s life. Look for children who do not seem physically well looked after. These kids might also have to address needs like how they are getting home from school, what they are eating for lunch, or when they are bathing, on their own.How to Overcome Toxic Family DynamicsIt can feel overwhelming, confusing, and even debilitating to grow up with toxic family dynamics, but the good news is that there are ways to overcome this experience and live a healthy, productive life as well as raise your kids in a way that is different from what you experienced. Both Silva and Dr. Roots recommend the following tips for overcoming toxic relationships.Recognize that something is wrong, especially since insight is the key to change.Be aware of the interactions you have with your extended family members now that you are older and recognize how they impact you. Set boundaries with others. “We know this is easier said than done, but take some time to understand and state your needs clearly and directly when a personal boundary is crossed,” suggests Dr. Roots.Be assertive, which is the balance between being passive and aggressive, says Dr. Silva. “Assertiveness is the most effective way to communicate.”Tell family members how you feel about their actions or inactions and request that they change—but be ready to accept that they can’t or won’t. Find a supportive community, or people outside of your family system who lift you up and help you to feel safe. This can include friends, coworkers, classmates, or neighbors.Get mental health support to help you navigate this issue. A therapist can help you overcome negative thoughts and behaviors, improve your communication skills, and address unresolved issues.In some cases, you also may need to limit contact with destructive family members, says Klass. “[For others], working toward forgiveness can bring an immense amount of relief.” For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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