I slept with my boyfriend’s brother — why won’t he forgive me?
Cheating on your partner is one thing, but doing it with someone they know, or worse, are related to, is quite another.
In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader grappling with guilt after sleeping with her boyfriend’s brother.
He knows the truth, and the betrayal so close to home is proving to be the ultimate test for their relationship. Now she’s wondering – will he ever be able to move past it?
Read the advice below, but, before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a woman who is desperate to get married and have a baby, but her long-term partner isn’t ready to settle down.
The problem:
I did something horrible when my boyfriend and I split up, and although we got back together shortly afterwards, he found out and won’t forgive me.
It makes me cringe to admit it, but basically, I slept with his younger brother. I know it sounds terrible, but at the time, I was miserable about the breakup and although I wasn’t consciously plotting revenge, somehow I got together with him at a party.
I’d also drunk too much, so my judgement wasn’t great, and the following morning when I woke up next to him, I immediately regretted what I’d done.
I told him as much, and he was very sweet about it. When I asked him not to say anything he promised he wouldn’t, and maybe if his brother and I hadn’t got back together, he would have kept to his word.
However, two weeks after the party, my ex called wanting to talk. He said he’d made a mistake (he went off with another woman), and he missed me and wanted to give us another go. Of course I said yes, as I’d missed him so much, too.
It seems that when he told his sibling we were back together, I was immediately ‘outed’ and my boyfriend sent me a vicious message, saying he wouldn’t dream of touching me after what I’d done.
I tried to explain and apologise – I even hand-wrote a note and put it through his door. His response was just a curt ‘leave me alone’ (only nastier) message on my phone.
I know what I did was pretty awful, but why can guys get away with sleeping around and girls can’t? I thought we lived in an age of equality.
I’m in a complete mess and can’t see a way out.
Would you forgive your partner for cheating? Have your say in the comments below
The advice:
You know, if you’d actually just ‘slept around’, you might have got away with it – especially since you and your ex weren’t even a couple at the time. You had every right to do whatever you wanted since he’d left you for another girl.
But you need to factor in human nature here. You had sex with his brother, and that’s just a step too far for many people.
Think about it the other way. How would you feel if your ex slept with your sister or your best friend? I’m guessing you’d hate it, because the wound is felt more deeply when it’s so close to home.
There’s a slim chance that he may eventually calm down and you’ll have another opportunity to reunite, but don’t bank on it. It may always infuriate him that his own sibling has had sex with his significant other, and it’s something he may never be able to forget.
Maybe if his love for you were strong enough, he could find it in his heart to understand and forgive you. But is it? Remember, he’s already left you once for another woman.
Without wishing to lecture you, take this as one of life’s tough lessons; it’s never advisable to drink (or otherwise party) so much that you lose control of what you’re doing.
Move on with your life and don’t hang around waiting for this guy. If he does one day want a reconciliation, only accept if you’re certain he won’t keep throwing this incident in your face.
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