'We Can Call Him Dad Now'–This TikTok Engagement Announcement is a Blended Family Beauty
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The viral video sparked eight tips for how to share the news with your kids.
Getty Images/kali9
Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah ScottWhen Cassandra Rodriguez, a single mother in Texas, shared the news of her engagement to her fiancé Patrick, her three children reacted with genuine elation—precisely the kind of response every single parent with their sights set on marriage hopes for.As captured in Rodriguez’s viral TikTok video posted via @cassyrdzz, which has garnered 1.9 million views and over 6,000 comments, her two sons and daughter are all smiles when they learn that Patrick proposed. Rodriguez’s daughter jumps up and down with excitement before running into Patrick’s arms, followed quickly by her younger son.Seconds later, Rodriguez’s teenage son breaks into a wide grin, congratulates his mom, and then hugs her and Patrick. In the background, Rodriguez’s daughter exclaims, “We can call him Dad now!” @cassyrdzz Looking back at their reactions just makes me tear up ♥️🥹 This is all they’ve ever talked about & wanted for us. Before i met Patrick, i was scared that i would never find someone who would love my kids as their own. This is what i prayed for, God knew we needed him. 🥲 ♬ Stuff We Did (from 'Up') - Piano Version - your movie soundtrack Multiple commenters said they cried tears of joy observing the abundant love in Rodriguez’s soon-to-be blended family. One writing, “This makes me so happy, as a single mom this is what we wish for. Someone to accept our babies as their own.”Another commenter recalled their father asking for their blessing to marry their future stepmom, “we were just as excited as these kids… he proposed an hour later, she’s the best bonus mom ever.”While this is an example of a happy blended family celebrating their future together, sharing the news may not always go this smoothly. Regardless of the relationship your new fiancé has with your children, it's best to approach the situation with just as much thought and care as the marriage proposal requires.Here are eight tips for how to best share the big news of an engagement with your children.Put Your Kids at the Top of the Share ListThis might seem obvious, but don’t call your bestie or tell your work spouse about your engagement before telling your kids.“If a parent is getting remarried, they should share it with their children before they do with others,” advises Abbey Sangmeister, a licensed therapist and founder of Evolving Whole.Sharing the news with your children first emphasizes respect for the impactful role that your fiancé will play in their lives moving forward. Consider When and How You Share the NewsGetting engaged is a major shift in any relationship let alone in a blended family with pre-existing children. Mickie Simon, a licensed clinical social worker in Washington, D.C. says laying some ground beforehand will help to set expectations that growth could be on the horizon.“Sharing the news of the engagement starts with building a connection between the future stepparent and the children once it is clear that the romantic relationship has a future,” she explains.It’s impossible to predict exactly how children will react to the news of an engagement, but one factor you can control is the time in which you share the news.“Don’t tell them before or after another big event,” suggests Oona Metz, a Massachusetts-based psychotherapist who specializes in working with women in transition. Doing this could cause confusion or even distract from what you hoped would be a pleasant surprise.Parents also need to decide whether it makes sense to share the news with their children solo or with their fiancé. Metz, Sangmeister, and Simon agree that a lot depends on the existing relationship dynamics.“If your children don’t have a positive relationship with your fiancé, it is better to tell them yourself so that they can feel free to express a wide range of emotions," advises Metz. "If your children do have a positive relationship with your fiancé, however, you can tell them together.”Welcome Questions From Your KidsGaining a bonus parent is a life-altering event for children regardless of age. Accordingly, “it is important that the parent is clear, open, and honest about the engagement along with what that means for the future of the whole family,” says Sangmeister.Parents should be transparent with their children about when and where they will live together (if they aren't already), wedding plans, holiday plans, and anything else their kids might ask about.Keep in mind that children will need time and space to experience their own emotions and to work through questions about how the engagement will not only impact their parent's life, but everyone's lives.“As the parent, you already processed this new chapter, but to the child it is new and may bring up many feelings and questions,” observes Sangmeister.Expect a Variety of ReactionsThere's myriad of ways a child may react to the news of an engagement, and parents should prepare themselves for any number of them.In addition to factors such as the child’s age and their relationships with the engaged parents, Simon notes that past experiences can greatly influence their response.“If there is a family history of abandonment or concerns about trust and safety, that could cause children to react negatively to the news of an engagement," she says.She highlights another relevant factor of whether there is a family culture of scarcity or inclusion."If the family has an existing scarcity mindset or there’s a history of parental alienation by the other parent, children may have a very insular view of family and [won't] be encouraged to let other people into their lives.” "It is important for a parent to reassure their children that they will still spend time together one-on-one."Mickie Simon
The inverse is an expansive view of family, which can encourage a more positive reaction to an engagement. “Open-hearted and inclusive families where former spouses co-parent well and share in each other’s joy give children permission to have a relationship with a parent’s new partner,” says Simon. “This is the best-case scenario; the last thing you want is children feeling like they have to choose one parent over the other.”Metz adds that news of an engagement may bring back a child’s feelings from a prior divorce. “A child may have been harboring hopes that their parents would get back together and the [new] engagement signals that this won’t happen,” she says.This can lead to feelings of disappointment and anger about a new partner becoming permanent.Additionally, when a child has been living in a single-parent situation for an extended period of time, they may be apprehensive about integrating a new family member.“It is important for a parent to reassure their children that they will still spend time together one-on-one,” advises Simon. “Children need to know that the new relationship will not fundamentally change the way in which that parent loves them.”The bottom line?“Try not to take it personally if your kids are not as excited as you hoped,” says Metz.Choose Empathy Over DefensivenessIf you’re newly-engaged, you’re likely on cloud nine. However, that doesn't mean your kids will be. And even if this comes as a surprise to you, it’s essential that you validate their feelings.Metz urges parents to avoid shaming or punishing kids for any feelings that aren't immediately positive.“Open communication and non-defensiveness are key to supporting your child through any difficult situation, and your engagement is no different,” she says.Instead, empathy is a great way to help the child feel seen and heard in the situation. Simon notes, "Parents can acknowledge that they understand how difficult it is when [they] make a decision that is different from what a child would choose themselves.”Keep in mind that in the case of sharing the news with more than one child, you may get different reactions from each of them. One child may share in your excitement while another feels angry or sad. Metz says this is normal and okay.“Give your children space and follow up with each child one-on-one to allow them to process the news and feel heard. The best thing you can do is to listen, listen, listen.”Give Your Kids a Voice–Not the Final SayOnce your child has had some time to process the news, “ask them what they need to feel more comfortable about the engagement,” says Sangmeister.She adds that parents can help children to navigate their emotions by asking specifics such as what role they would like the fiancé to play in their life, what they feel their boundaries are, and what concerns they have, if any.Simon notes that while it's important for parents to welcome their children's input, they shouldn't be given the final say.“At the end of the day, however, parents need to make their own decision—even if their kids don’t agree," she says.Offer Your Kids a Role in the WeddingWhether or not your children's initial response to your engagement is positive, encourage them to join in on the marriage process. It will, after all, be a new addition to their family as well.Perhaps they can walk mom down to the aisle, perform a reading, carry the rings, make a speech, play music, or dance with you. Whatever they feel comfortable with, “participating in the wedding will help your children feel a part of your new union,” says Metz.Consider Family TherapyBlending a family is a significant life event that rarely occurs without complication, particularly when there are multiple adults and children involved. While encouraging open dialogue within the family is one of the best ways to support your children, it can understandably be difficult to do so without support.Sangmeister suggests family therapy is a viable option to help you chart a course that you or your kids may be feeling a little overwhelmed by.“Remarriage is a transition for everyone and having a professional help and support your family through the transition is invaluable,” she says. For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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