Here’s Why Kids Become Estranged From Their Parents
Social media and celebrities have spoken about cutting off toxic parents. Mental health professionals share signs of toxic parenting and coping tips.Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah ScottFor many, the relationship we share with our parents is our first. Words like “unconditional love” are often used to describe the love a parent has for a child (and hopefully, vice versa). However, family dynamics are complex, varied, and sometimes fraught.Famous families aren’t immune. In a recent essay for the Wall Street Journal, actress Heather Graham detailed a 30-year estrangement from her parents because they disapproved of her career choices.Recently, Elle King, daughter of Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider, spoke out about distancing herself from her dad, calling his actions “toxic.” Shiloh, the third-eldest child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, petitioned a court to remove “Pitt” from her last name.
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Over on TikTok, there’s a trend of people “canceling” their parents, which has generated controversy on X (formerly Twitter). “I understand adult boundaries, and I even understand crazy no-contact situations," wrote one user named Allie. “But publicly celebrating your ‘orphan era’ by putting your parents on blast doesn’t make you look like the good guy.”But why do people cut their parents off—and when is it OK to do so? There are no hard and fast rules, but mental health professionals provide insights to help you understand the reasons behind family estrangements, how to cope with fraught relationships, and ways to break generational cycles in your own parenting.How Common Is Parental Estrangement?Celebrity experiences don’t always reflect everyone’s, nor does social media. How common is it to cut ties with parents? “Although exact statistics are difficult to determine, it's not uncommon for young adults to contemplate a clean break from their parents following a relationship rift,” says Catherine Nobile, PsyD, a New York-based psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology. A poll from YouGov did find more than one in four Americans are estranged from an immediate family member. Eleven percent of those are estranged from a parent. The poll found higher rates of family estrangement among men, those between 30 and 44 years, and people in the LGBTQIA+ community.Why Some People Cut Ties With ParentsChildhood experiences can have long-lasting effects, and it can take a while for someone to process them.“Kids might feel the need to cut ties with their parents because of certain early childhood experiences that may have involved trauma, miscommunication, or unhealthy familial dynamics,” says Carly Harris, LMFT, young adult family program director with Newport Healthcare. “These experiences can lead to feelings of disconnection, frustration, or even build resentment. If a kid feels like they have tried all that they can to improve the relationship, and they still don’t see any progress, they may decide to cut off the relationship completely.”Additionally, as children grow, they become more independent and develop their own worldviews. As a result, they may butt heads with parents—sometimes more fiercely if there is a pattern of harsh disagreements. They also have the freedom to cut ties.“As they enter adulthood, they often become more confrontational about conflicts, especially if there are already long-standing tensions,” Dr. Nobile says. “Struggles with differing values, unresolved conflicts, or dysfunctional dynamics can make it feel necessary for some young adults to distance themselves.”Signs of Toxic ParentsWords like “toxic” (and narcissistic and gaslighting) get thrown around a lot on social media as reasons people end ties with family members. Sometimes these words are misunderstood or misused. However, that doesn’t mean toxic parents don’t exist.“Yes, family members, unfortunately, can be toxic,” says Jeanie Y. Chang, LMFT, CCTP, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Some have experienced their family members to be persons most toxic in their lives.”Joel Frank, PsyD, a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services, says signs of toxic parenting include:Manipulation: Using guilt or manipulation to control behavior.Constant criticism: Regularly belittling or criticizing a child.Lack of empathy: Failing to acknowledge or validate feelings.Controlling behavior: Attempting to seize excessive control over a child's decisions.Emotional unavailability: Emotional distance or unresponsive parenting. Gaslighting: Denying or distorting a child's reality to make them question their experiences or feelings.Favoritism: Consistently preferring one child over another.Boundary violations: Repeatedly disregarding privacy or personal limits.The actions of toxic family members can negatively impact a person. Dr. Frank says these tactics can stifle independence and self-esteem, foster mistrust, and leave a child feeling misunderstood and unseen.What To Do About Toxic ParentingWhile TikTok reels may celebrate parent canceling, navigating fraught relationships can be hurtful and challenging. Mental health professionals provide helpful tips, including the importance of self-care and breaking generational cycles.Validate your feelings Your parents may not validate your feelings, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t real or appropriate.“If you have a toxic parent, it is important to acknowledge your feelings,” says Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed psychologist. Harris says these emotions may exist on a spectrum and include guilt, sadness, and anger, “Working through these can be part of your healing journey,” adds Harris. “It is common for a child of a toxic parent to feel invalidated, so healing may look like the practice of validating your own experience and emotions.”Find supportEstrangement can be lonely, but you aren’t alone.“Seek support from others, such as friends, family members, or a support group,” Dr. Schiff says. “Consider therapy with a professional in order to explore your feelings and develop strategies for dealing with your parent. You can also work on learning healthy coping skills and how to practice self-care.”Practice self-careIt can be tempting to be so focused on your relationship with your parent that you forget yourself. However, Harris says self-care is especially vital during these times.“Engaging in activities that support your mental and emotional health, such as physical activity, can help you understand how to move forward in a way that prioritizes your well-being,” shares Harris. “Most importantly, focus on what you can control.”Set boundaries and communicate them assertivelySometimes, a complete cut-off isn’t desired—at least not at a given time. Dr. Frank says boundaries can protect you and provide clarity for both you and a parent.“If a parent often criticizes a child's life choices, the child could say, ‘I value our relationship, but I need you to respect my decisions. If that doesn't happen, I'll need to step away from the conversation,’” Dr. Frank says.Dr. Schiff also recommends using “I” statements, which can make a conversation or boundary about your needs, reducing the likelihood a parent will respond defensively.It may help to limit contact too. “Reducing interactions can minimize exposure to toxic behavior, allowing a person to maintain their mental health,” Dr. Frank says. “For example, a person might decide to call their parent once a week instead of daily, and communicate this change with the parent.”This step can also serve as an intermediary one before becoming estranged.Know when to cut tiesThere is no one-size-fits-all solution for deciding to cut ties with a parent.“Deciding whether to cut ties or set boundaries with a toxic parent is a deeply personal decision, and it often involves weighing a variety of factors,” Harris says.However, that doesn’t mean it can’t be a solution.“There are times I have advised my clients to have an ‘emotional cut-off’ from family members if I find it is best for the sake of their mental health,” Chang says. “Emotional cut-off is a term in the field of family systems and is exactly what it sounds like. This also includes a physical distance or separation.”How do you know when or if it's time to do that? Harris recommends assessing:The severity of the toxicityYour emotional and mental healthYour own needs and valuesThe impact of the relationship on your daily lifeYour parent’s willingness to change The decision is yours alone, but Harris says therapy can help.Break the cycleLike genes, parenting styles can become inherited. However, Dr. Nobile says that, unlike genetic high cholesterol or eye color, it’s possible to break cycles of toxic parenting. Here's what you can do with your own kids:Focus on positive reinforcement. That can include praising desired behavior instead of concentrating on undesired behavior. “Building self-esteem in your child by praising desirable behavior and creating a more positive and affirming environment is important,” Dr. Nobile says.Cultivate emotional regulation skills in yourself. Try mindfulness and stress-relief techniques, which allow you to control your responses to your child.Learn healthy parenting. “Books, workshops, and parenting groups can teach you how to parent effectively,” Dr. Nobile says. ”Learning about parenting will equip you with tools to replace unhealthy and older parenting approaches with better ones that will be more effective for you and your child.”Remember, toxic parenting isn’t inevitable. There’s hope, but it involves healing.“Reflect on your own childhood and identify any toxic parenting,” Dr. Schiff says. “Understand which patterns you want to change. What was harmful? What do you want to avoid and do differently? Define what kind of parent you want to be, and implement healthy parenting techniques.” For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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