PSA: Stop Telling Couples They Need To Keep the Spark After Kids
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A mom on social media breaks down why it's OK for relationships to change after marriage and kids.
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Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah ScottRelationships change after you have kids. We all know that. People love to warn expectant parents about those changes, and offer up advice on how they can avoid falling into a typical pattern.But what if, instead of trying to completely reverse those changes or constantly chase that spark that burned when your partner was your number one priority, we embraced those changes? What if we even began to think of the phase we enter after bringing kids into the world as something safer and more sustainable—even if it doesn’t feel like a constant explosion of fireworks? Recently, a content creator named Chelsea Delgado shared her own spot-on take on this.“I see a lot of people talking about how a relationship has to have fireworks all the time—it needs to be exciting and spicy,” says Delgado in an Instagram reel. “And I just want to offer a different perspective.” View this post on Instagram A post shared by CHELSEA DELGADO (@chelseadelgado)
Delgado explains after seven years of marriage and three kids, her relationship with her husband has changed—it went from “spicy” to more of a solid partnership. Some people may call what Delgado describes the “roommate phase”—that point in a relationship where it’s less about the romance and more about running a household together—but Delgado prefers to label it the “teammate phase.” “We’re working together here,” she says. “We’re teammates.”It’s a simple reframe, but one that feels—at least to me, a mom of two who is eight years into my marriage—like a really important one. I think we’ve all experienced that guilt around the expectations of what marriage should look like. Prevailing advice around maintaining “the spark” after having children typically sounds something like “go on a date night every week” and “take a kid-free vacation once a year.”Celebrities will weigh in on this conversation talking about their own marriage secrets, which often involve having separate bathrooms (or even bedrooms). But let’s be real: For the majority of us, sharing a tight space, having very little free time, and working together to make a home run is the true nature of our relationships. Date nights (at least the ones that require getting dressed up and leaving the house) are few and far between, and creating the traditional picture of romance just falls to the bottom of the ever-growing priority list. Shifting the Narrative on What Marriage After Kids Should Look LikeInstead of feeling like we’re failing in our relationships, we can simply adjust our expectations and reframe our ideas about what a “good” partnership looks like.Take, for example, this reframe that Delgado proposes. She says her relationship now is more like a fireplace. “Fireworks are fun, they’re exciting. But they’re also explosive and dangerous. Fireplace? It’s comfy. Cozy. Safe," she says.Fireplace love, as Delgado points out, keeps on burning as long as you feed it.“I was inspired to talk about fireworks in relationships because I keep seeing young women online talk about how they expect to be in that stage throughout their entire relationship or they don't want it,” Delgado tells Parents. “I found that to be unrealistic in my own experience and wanted to give my perspective on it as a married mom. That's when I had the idea of ‘fireplace’ instead of ‘fireworks.’ In my experience, fireworks relationships have been exciting but weren't very healthy. I wanted to offer young women the idea of what safe love can look like.”Delgado shares that she used to feel guilty for a lack of constant “fireworks” in her relationship. She even wondered if it meant something was wrong with her relationship. “But the truth is, there is a lot that changes when you have kids and if you don't work at it to ‘feed your fire’ like a fireplace, it may burn out,” she shares. Forget Relationship ComparisonsIt’s also important for couples to avoid comparisons, something that’s so easy to do as we scroll through social media.“I hear a lot of new parents discuss divorce because their relationship doesn't look like a random stranger's online. It's the constant comparison without actually knowing what that couple's life actually looks like,” says Delgado. “I think if we got more honest answers from couples and understood what a healthy, long-term relationship looks like, we would be less likely to think something is wrong with us.”We’ve all heard that comparison is the thief of joy, and that can apply to marriage as well, according to Lindsay Cavanagh, PhD, a psychologist and marriage expert. Comparing your marriage to someone else’s—or even to what it used to look like—can be a trap.“It is important to not compare what your marriage was like before kids to what your marriage is like after kids,” says Dr. Cavanagh. “This is likely to lead to disappointment.”Don’t Apply So Much PressureKnow that it’s also normal to feel a little distant after the children come along. “Raising young kids is taxing and we can't expect to have a fairytale relationship when we are covered in baby throw up, haven't slept in months, and are doing everything without hired help,” says Delgado. “There's nothing wrong with your relationship, this is just a tricky phase.”Delgado’s advice for parents who feel like they’re missing the “spark” from their relationships? Feed the fire, but don’t over complicate it. “It doesn't need to be a fancy date night out every week. It could be a walk in the neighborhood together discussing your week, goals, and feelings. It could be an at-home date night playing games after the kids go to bed,” she says. “Making sure you connect, distraction free, for 10 minutes a day, to ensure you both get your needs met can go a long way.” For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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