10 mistakes people with low self esteem make in relationships
Low self-esteem drives people to sabotage their own relationships.
It makes them commit mistakes that make it hard for love to flourish.
So if you truly care about your relationship (and yourself!), find out if you have low self-esteem so you can make some improvements before it’s too late.
Here are 10 common mistakes people with low self-esteem make in relationships.
Check out how many of them you can relate to.
1) Jumping into a relationship too soon
If you feel unsure of your worth, then it’s natural to want someone—anyone— to latch on to.
You dread being single because it makes you fixate on your “flaws”…like you always need to show to everyone that you’re desirable. You’d think that the reason you’re single is that you’re not pretty enough or smart enough or interesting enough.
This will, of course, lead to more self-esteem issues later on if the relationship goes sour (Am I really unlovable? What’s wrong with me?) because everything was just rushed for the wrong reasons.
They say that your choice of partner has the biggest impact on your happiness.
Imagine if you would let your low self-esteem make impulsive and fear-driven decisions for you.
So you see, in order to find the right partner, you have to make sure you have a healthy self-esteem.
Just a short note:
Before I go on and on, I just want you to know that having low self-esteem is nothing to be ashamed of. There are many awesome people with very low self-esteem because they’ve experienced trauma.
Luckily, it doesn’t take much to improve your self-esteem. A few therapy sessions will improve your self-esteem tremendously.
And if you’re currently in a relationship, you can slowly-but-surely turn things around in your relationship with the guidance of a relationship coach. I strongly recommend Relationship Hero for this. They know how to heal you from past trauma so you’ll have a healthier view on yourself…and in turn, have healthier relationships.
2) Not being alarmed by red flags
Because you badly want to be in a relationship, you’d do anything to stay in one…even if your partner spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E.
You see, if you have low self-esteem, you’re less likely to notice red flags. And even if you do, your subconscious would shield you from it and so you see things in rose-colored glasses.
You become forgiving, compassionate, and understanding towards your partner even if they’re clearly showing bad behavior. And what’s worse is that you even feel good being “the only one who can understand them” so you’d stay even if the relationship gets too toxic.
Because of this, most people who have low self-esteem get stuck in bad relationships for years. They simply don’t think they deserve any better.
3) Always needing validation
If you have low self-esteem, you’d always need words or acts of affirmation.
You’d want to know —on the daily!— that you’re still the most important person in your partner’s life. Because who knows if they’ve met someone better than you while they’re out for five minutes (and there are many people better than you, well…that’s how you think anyway).
You NEED the grand gestures—the bouquet of flowers on every occasion, the constant “I miss you” texts. And the right kind of “goodnight, sweetheart” to know their feelings for you haven’t changed.
4) Being too suspicious all the time
When your partner doesn’t respond when you say “I love you”, you suspect that they’re in love with someone else. Or that they simply love you less.
When your partner doesn’t give you compliments when you dress up for a date, you wonder if they don’t find you attractive anymore…and that there’s someone else they fancy.
And if they’re not feeling particularly sexual lately, you can’t help but think they’re fantasizing about someone else.
This is exhausting to your partner no matter how patient they are. If you won’t deal with your self-esteem issues, you’d find it hard to maintain any relationship.
5) Forgetting about themselves
People with low self-esteem don’t value themselves enough.
They want to take care of others and make others feel good because they think they’re more worthy than them. And they label this act as “love” when in fact, the other person is well and fine without these “selfless” gestures.
They slowly forget their hobbies because they want to do what their partner does.
They slowly forget the kind of food they love because they let their partner decide because “it’s what makes them happy.”
And, as time goes on, they slowly lose their identity because their world revolves around their partner and the relationship.
This is when the partner starts to lose interest. The person they dated is gone and has transformed into someone who’s a bit like them.
6) Acting like the victim all the time
People with low self-esteem are generally more sensitive…and most of the time, not in a good way.
When they’re in a relationship, they feel like their partner is always attacking them, when in reality, it’s just their insecurities making a mountain out of a molehill.
When their partner says something slightly negative towards them, they’d interpret it as a personal insult—something their partner deliberately does to hurt them.
When they engage in a heated debate or argument over something really petty, they’d think their partner wants to prove to them that they’re not smart enough.
If this goes on, every conversation you’ll have with your partner will feel tense…and it’s really not a good way to live.
7) Trying to impress their partner
Because they want validation and assurance, they want their partner to always be happy that they’ve chosen them to be their boyfriend or girlfriend.
They want their partner to think that they’re the luckiest person in the world.
And so, they try to impress their partner (and the people close to them) in whatever way they can—from the way they cook to how much money they earn.
A person with low self-esteem always worries they’re replaceable, so they try their best not to be.
While there is nothing so wrong about this, this can be exhausting for the person with low self-esteem. Relying your self-worth on someone’s perception of you is like being on the treadmill 24/7. Get off it before you burn out.
8) Being too clingy
There’s the cute amount of clinginess that we all find adorable, but there’s the psycho level of clinginess that’s an instant turn-off. It’s simple to imagine. Imagine your partner doing the same clingy behavior towards you. Sexy? Yeah, definitely not.
Most people with low self-esteem border on the “psycho” level of clinginess because they NEED to feel close to their partner for their self-worth.
Because of their insecurities and general lack of trust in themselves (and their partner), they always want to be around them. They’d text every hour and expect their partner to reply with the same level of enthusiasm and speed.
And they’d show their disappointment when their partner tells them they’re going out with their friends.
This is a huge mistake because it can lead to codependency. It can stop your relationship from growing if you’re together all the damn time.
9) They overthink
People with low self-esteem always question their worth as well as the other person’s trustworthiness.
They analyze every step and every word of their lover like they’re spies on a mission.
They ask themselves questions like:
“Do they really love me or am I just something temporary?”
“What do they really see in me? Maybe they’re just toying with my feelings and then leave me once I fall madly in love.”
And they don’t just ask themselves this on some days. They ask themselves these questions several times a day—while they’re in the subway, walking their dog, or even while they’re watching a TV show.
While it’s good to ask questions—it’s very important to assess and reflect, after all—it’s unhealthy if one does it too often, especially when things are actually alright.
Even the strongest relationship would erode if there’s too much “assessment” going on.
10) They go hot and cold
Since they tend to overthink, this affects how they treat their partner.
When they’ve convinced themselves that their partner actually does love them, they go very hot—they’d cook for them, give them letters, give them a hundred kisses.
But on those times that they’ve convinced themselves that, for whatever reason, their partner doesn’t really love them (and in fact is just using them), then they’d shut down and withdraw.
Their partner doesn’t even have to do anything because the battle happens in the mind of the person with low self-esteem.
It’s unfortunate, really. They could already have the best love in front of them but if they let their low self-esteem affect their relationship, then it’s bound to end (or get very toxic).
Many of us have low self-esteem.
No wonder relationships are not that easy!
We’re full of flaws and insecurities and fears…each one of us!
And that’s why relationships are always a work in progress. If you’re in one right now, don’t worry. It’s not too late. Chances are, they still love you despite your low self-esteem.
But DO start improving your self-esteem now. You would be amazed how improving how you see yourself could dramatically improve your relationship (and your life!)
If you want a relationship that could last forever, start by being self-assured.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
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I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
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